Questions to ask before nikah: 40 honest conversation starters

How to ask these questions well

• Share your own answer too. It turns a question into a conversation.
• Ask open questions. "How do you picture a normal weekday after marriage?" reveals more than "Do you want to work?"
• Listen for consistency between what someone says and how they behave.
• Do not rush. A few meaningful questions per conversation is plenty.
• Involve your family. Some topics, such as mahr and living arrangements, are best discussed with walis present.

Deen and spirituality

1. What role does Islam play in your daily life right now?
2. Which practices are most important to you, and which are you working on?
3. How would you like to grow spiritually as a couple?
4. Which scholars or teachers do you follow or trust?
5. How do you picture Ramadan, Eid and other occasions in our home?
6. How would we handle it if one of us became more, or less, practising over time?

Family and in-laws

1. Where do you see us living: with family, near family, or independently?
2. What role do your parents expect to play in our lives?
3. How often do you see your family now, and how do you imagine that after marriage?
4. How would you handle a disagreement between me and your family?
5. Do you have responsibilities toward parents or siblings that I should know about?
6. What traditions from your family would you like to keep?

Money and work

1. What does financial responsibility look like to you in a marriage?
2. Do you have any debts or major financial commitments?
3. How do you feel about a wife working, and about her income?
4. Are you a saver or a spender? How do you make big purchases?
5. What are your views on riba, mortgages and Islamic finance?
6. What are your career plans for the next five years?
7. How do you feel about sending money to family?

Children and parenting

1. Do you want children, and roughly when?
2. How many children do you imagine?
3. How were you raised, and what would you do the same or differently?
4. How important is Islamic education for our children, and what would it look like?
5. How would we share responsibilities for raising children?
6. If we faced difficulty having children, how would you want to approach it?

Character and communication

1. How do you usually behave when you are angry or stressed?
2. How did your parents handle disagreements, and what did you learn from it?
3. What does a good apology look like to you?
4. What are you most proud of, and what are you working to improve?
5. How do you like to spend free time and weekends?
6. What would your closest friends say is your best and most difficult quality?

Expectations and the future

1. How would you describe your ideal day-to-day routine as a married couple?
2. How do you see responsibilities at home being shared?
3. Would you consider relocating to another city or country?
4. Do you have any health conditions, physical or mental, that would be important for me to know about?
5. Have you been married before, and is there anything from that experience you want to share?
6. What does a simple, blessed wedding look like to you?
7. What does "a successful marriage" mean to you in ten years’ time?
8. Is there anything you think I should know before we involve our families further?
9. Why do you want to get married now?

Questions for the families to discuss

Some conversations belong with the walis and parents rather than only between the two of you. Raising them early, respectfully and with both families present, avoids misunderstandings that can sour an otherwise good match:

• the mahr, and whether it is paid now or deferred;
• the expected size and cost of the wedding and walima, and who pays for what;
• where the couple will live in the first years, and any expectations of living with or near parents;
• any conditions either side wishes to include in the nikah contract;
• the timeline from acceptance to nikah, and whether there will be an engagement period.

Handled well, these discussions are a chance for the families to get to know each other, and to see how each side handles differences, which says a great deal about the years ahead.

Putting it into practice

On Nikkup, conversations start with icebreakers drawn from answers you both gave, and there are more than 100 marriage questions sorted by topic inside the app. Profiles also include a 15-question Marriage Compatibility Questionnaire and a "worth discussing" list for each match, highlighting where you may see things differently, so the important conversations happen early.

Remember, the aim is not to find someone who answers every question exactly as you would. It is to understand each other clearly, and to see whether your differences are ones you can happily live with.